I am pissed off today. I feel rubbish. I was on my way to feeling better, or so I thought. I was convinced that the reduction of steroids, a load of PMA blah blah was getting me there. But today my head feels no less woolly than it did when I woke up, I am knackered and feel yuk. Coughing and the pain in my rib where I fell when I do is not helping by any means, but I could put up with that cos I know why and that it’s temporary.
It has dawned on my that I am back on chemo and today I wonder whether this is the side effects. I hope not. I hope it’s just a blip. I’ve got a long way to go on the tablets and I am really rather bored of feeling like this. Especially when I had such high hopes of starting to feel more normal.
There is nothing I can do but find a way for the PMA to come through. But today, I’m not quite sure how I am going to do that when this is how I feel. But find a way, I will. I DO have so much to be grateful for and I know that but I beat myself for ‘can you pass me this’ ‘can you do that’ for anyone who is on their feet anywhere near me. It scares me that that will only get worse and I feel driven to try and find something to do about it. I am curious to ask people who are further on this journey than me, but I don’t want to scare myself, and as the docs keep telling me ‘everyone is different’ and PMA really does make a big difference to how patients progress. So I must find a way. I’ll allow myself the odd day of wallowing but I mustn’t give up on those days. Tomorrow will be better. I have to believe.
I think my biggest fear is that those I love and who love me will turn into my carers. I know I would do the same for them but that’s not the point.
Oh, I’m rambling and note saying anything productive. Maybe you guys who think I am so inspirational and positive can take heart in that I am a real person and today it feels shit to have cancer. Bugger off Mr Frodo, you’re not welcome here.