What is it?

I am pissed off today. I feel rubbish. I was on my way to feeling better, or so I thought. I was convinced that the reduction of steroids, a load of PMA blah blah was getting me there. But today my head feels no less woolly than it did when I woke up, I am knackered and feel yuk. Coughing and the pain in my rib where I fell when I do is not helping by any means, but I could put up with that cos I know why and that it’s temporary.

It has dawned on my that I am back on chemo and today I wonder whether this is the side effects. I hope not. I hope it’s just a blip. I’ve got a long way to go on the tablets and I am really rather bored of feeling like this. Especially when I had such high hopes of starting to feel more normal.

There is nothing I can do but find a way for the PMA to come through. But today, I’m not quite sure how I am going to do that when this is how I feel. But find a way, I will. I DO have so much to be grateful for and I know that but I beat myself for ‘can you pass me this’ ‘can you do that’ for anyone who is on their feet anywhere near me. It scares me that that will only get worse and I feel driven to try and find something to do about it. I am curious to ask people who are further on this journey than me, but I don’t want to scare myself, and as the docs keep telling me ‘everyone is different’ and PMA really does make a big difference to how patients progress. So I must find a way. I’ll allow myself the odd day of wallowing but I mustn’t give up on those days. Tomorrow will be better. I have to believe.

I think my biggest fear is that those I love and who love me will turn into my carers. I know I would do the same for them but that’s not the point.

Oh, I’m rambling and note saying anything productive. Maybe you guys who think I am so inspirational and positive can take heart in that I am a real person and today it feels shit to have cancer. Bugger off Mr Frodo, you’re not welcome here.

6 responses to “What is it?

  1. A real person??? Are you heck as like – your Pash and pash is far more real than real, far stronger than strong and far more fabadoo than fabadoo!! Sorry to hear that youre having a shitty day, if I could kick that Frodo out of the park believe me Id be there with my best kicking feet on. Keep your chin up chick. The Han’s are always talking and thinking about you and sending you lots of love and PMA xxxx

  2. Loving Anya’s response, let’s go beat Mr Frodo up, yay! Your PMA is out there somewhere, missing in action, last seen in Poole Harbour. But it will come back, it’s deep down within you, and well and truly within all of us around you. Cancer isn’t contagious but PMA sure as heck is. You’ll catch it again soon.
    Huggggggggggs xxx

  3. Days like this will come – and go – and understandably hard to keep the PMA going when you are feeling down.

    Not every day will run smoothly and when bits of you hurt it doesn’t help (Back, bum, whatever).

    Back to having patience again! It seems a long time since Christmas but remember it’s less than three months and you have progressed magnificently since then.

    Try to believe people that WANT to be able to help you – let them!

    PS Would it be wise to get your chest checked out – as you may have cracked a rib when you fell? It may help you to know why it is so painful – even if these days they don’t do anything for it

  4. I will add my PMA to everyone elses. Hope it helps.
    Luv ya xxxxx

  5. I have every intention of rubbing your feet, or doing facial fairy fingers, or reading rude limericks aloud, or doing a double sing/dance act with G, or dusting Neil, so there. Furthermore, I will pass you things till I am blue in the face if I want to. Can’t wait. Chins up. xxxxxx

  6. RIP Pash. Died far too soon. So sorry… Love…

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